Hey, I don't really have anyone in my life to talk about this with. I also feel very isolated in this situation as I have never run into it from others' stories. This is also very difficult for me to articulate, so bare with me.
I'm 24 years old, I've never really had a sex drive, used to be really uncomfortable with my body (even more than the average teenage girl). Lost my virginity around 17 years old, but was never sexually in touch with myself. Even had an aversion for much of my life.
Now I am starting to realize myself as a spiritual being (but finding it difficult to share this with others around me, and feeling very isolated in my beliefs). I am trying to read about Tantra, but I am unsure if this is for me. I'm not really in touch with my sexuality enough to know. And, not to offend anyone, but it sounds like something for middle aged people who have already explored sex a lot and just grew bored, or who have sexual addictions or traumas. I have none of these things. For me, it's more like I have a virgin mind, but with too many ideas of sex being negative to really come into my sexuality.
What I do know is that I feel very driven to be in touch with my sexuality, but I'm gradually realizing that I haven't been til now because of how strongly connected my sexuality is with my spirituality, like for me it has to be a holistic thing that is deeply tied to the emotions and subtle energies, and other new age stuff, etc. I believe our emotional energy is stored in our bodies, and I have a lot of anxiety and emotions that are pent up in my body points, so I also have a lot of trouble when I do have sex, in that it brings up a lot of negative emotion and I end up crying--I think I may have post-coital depression, or anxiety, which is also difficult to find information on. Which is totally embarrassing and I'm afraid had a huge hand in ending the possibility of intimacy in my relationship. But I feel it can be healed through a spiritual practice, which I have yet to uncover in myself. I basically don't see there being any other answer out there for what I'm seeking.
My current problem is that said guy I've been with for two years, around my age also, recently has expressed interest in calling off the relationship. It just feels like we are two people living together. I believe we have not at all concentrated at all on our relationship, we became so comfortable in our routine, we never opened up emotionally as we are both like stone walls emotionally, and actually, I believe, connect because of a barrier. I truly feel that this barrier is here so that we can step past it. I truly want to share my spiritual and emotional feelings with him. And what's more, I want to start exploring my sexuality with him. We have only really had sex a handful of times in our relationship, and thinking about it, he'd been really patient and just never pushed me into sex like all my previous partners had. I didn't know how to deal with this, so I just went along with having the space. But I should have been trying to explore my sexuality with him. I seriously blew it.
I deeply want to open up to him, and deeply believe if we did open up to each other this relationship would be POWERFUL. However, he seems to believe the relationship has ended, it went nowhere and now he feels absolutely numb and feels nothing. He is "unsure" about what he wants. He's said he still wants me as a girlfriend, but says it with no conviction, and has essentially broken up with me. We are in a lease together for a few more months, and we have been acting exactly the same around each other as usual, except that we no longer kiss.
I guess the solution I need is kind of twofold. I'm curious, first of all, if anybody has ideas of where I can explore information related to this idea of sex being connected with spirituality, rather than a carnal lust driven, really unappealing alienating ... thing ... I don't know how to open myself up to it without knowing other people's experiences I guess. I also want some advice on how to bring this up with a guy! Wow, I have no idea how to word it, or how he would react, or what he would think. Would he totally judge me? If he did, how could I live with him for the next few months? I know how ridiculous and weird I sound. I just feel so isolated in this moment. And totally lost.
Has anybody ever taken this step, or attempted to take this step in a relationship where you want to make it about a spiritual experience? How difficult is this to bring up with another human being, when you are not quite certain of their spiritual beliefs?
I know it is strange to be in a relationship with someone there is clearly absolutely no communication with on a personal level and without sex. I suspect it was, I, at least, intuitively felt there was something underneath it all that wasn't being shared, but I had hoped was felt. Clearly, it wasn't felt on both ends.
I'm 24 years old, I've never really had a sex drive, used to be really uncomfortable with my body (even more than the average teenage girl). Lost my virginity around 17 years old, but was never sexually in touch with myself. Even had an aversion for much of my life.
Now I am starting to realize myself as a spiritual being (but finding it difficult to share this with others around me, and feeling very isolated in my beliefs). I am trying to read about Tantra, but I am unsure if this is for me. I'm not really in touch with my sexuality enough to know. And, not to offend anyone, but it sounds like something for middle aged people who have already explored sex a lot and just grew bored, or who have sexual addictions or traumas. I have none of these things. For me, it's more like I have a virgin mind, but with too many ideas of sex being negative to really come into my sexuality.
What I do know is that I feel very driven to be in touch with my sexuality, but I'm gradually realizing that I haven't been til now because of how strongly connected my sexuality is with my spirituality, like for me it has to be a holistic thing that is deeply tied to the emotions and subtle energies, and other new age stuff, etc. I believe our emotional energy is stored in our bodies, and I have a lot of anxiety and emotions that are pent up in my body points, so I also have a lot of trouble when I do have sex, in that it brings up a lot of negative emotion and I end up crying--I think I may have post-coital depression, or anxiety, which is also difficult to find information on. Which is totally embarrassing and I'm afraid had a huge hand in ending the possibility of intimacy in my relationship. But I feel it can be healed through a spiritual practice, which I have yet to uncover in myself. I basically don't see there being any other answer out there for what I'm seeking.
My current problem is that said guy I've been with for two years, around my age also, recently has expressed interest in calling off the relationship. It just feels like we are two people living together. I believe we have not at all concentrated at all on our relationship, we became so comfortable in our routine, we never opened up emotionally as we are both like stone walls emotionally, and actually, I believe, connect because of a barrier. I truly feel that this barrier is here so that we can step past it. I truly want to share my spiritual and emotional feelings with him. And what's more, I want to start exploring my sexuality with him. We have only really had sex a handful of times in our relationship, and thinking about it, he'd been really patient and just never pushed me into sex like all my previous partners had. I didn't know how to deal with this, so I just went along with having the space. But I should have been trying to explore my sexuality with him. I seriously blew it.
I deeply want to open up to him, and deeply believe if we did open up to each other this relationship would be POWERFUL. However, he seems to believe the relationship has ended, it went nowhere and now he feels absolutely numb and feels nothing. He is "unsure" about what he wants. He's said he still wants me as a girlfriend, but says it with no conviction, and has essentially broken up with me. We are in a lease together for a few more months, and we have been acting exactly the same around each other as usual, except that we no longer kiss.
I guess the solution I need is kind of twofold. I'm curious, first of all, if anybody has ideas of where I can explore information related to this idea of sex being connected with spirituality, rather than a carnal lust driven, really unappealing alienating ... thing ... I don't know how to open myself up to it without knowing other people's experiences I guess. I also want some advice on how to bring this up with a guy! Wow, I have no idea how to word it, or how he would react, or what he would think. Would he totally judge me? If he did, how could I live with him for the next few months? I know how ridiculous and weird I sound. I just feel so isolated in this moment. And totally lost.
Has anybody ever taken this step, or attempted to take this step in a relationship where you want to make it about a spiritual experience? How difficult is this to bring up with another human being, when you are not quite certain of their spiritual beliefs?
I know it is strange to be in a relationship with someone there is clearly absolutely no communication with on a personal level and without sex. I suspect it was, I, at least, intuitively felt there was something underneath it all that wasn't being shared, but I had hoped was felt. Clearly, it wasn't felt on both ends.
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