Torn Between Girlfriend and Best Friend

In Advice Columns | By William Van Vechten

Dear William,

I am so incredibly confused. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two years, and I honestly thought that I was in love. But I have known my best friend for five years now, and I’ve always had really strong feelings for her, and the feeling is mutual. I think I might be able to have a relationship solely based on friendship, if it wasn’t for my jealous girlfriend, not “allowing” me to speak to or hang out with my best friend anymore.

Yet still, I find myself keeping secrets and lying just to stay in contact with my friend. And recently, when she told me that she had feelings for someone else, I went into this pent up jealous rage. I keep finding myself wishing it was me that she wanted, but being too scared to walk away from my current relationship to even take the chance. I don’t want to make a mistake, plus I’m just the type of clingy person who will worry about what my ex is doing if I care about them even minimally.

I don’t know what to do, I’m so incredibly distraught. I have a pretty decent relationship right now, and I’m certainly no cheat. But my heart is wandering. If I am in love with two women, how do I choose? I love them both for different reasons. I’m attracted to the fact that my best friend lets me take care of her, has a full scholarship to college, is incredibly smart and funny, we’ve been through so much together, and she accepts me for the imperfections that I have.

My girlfriend, is incredibly smart and funny, beautiful, doesn’t want to be taken care of, yet has no job or ambition, and makes me feel inadequate quite often. She’s so talented, but she can be so hurtful and unaware of my emotions. I wonder sometimes if I’m just staying with her because I just don’t want to be alone, which I’m terribly afraid of, or just because I don’t want her to hate me. She talks like she has this entire future planned out for us, with children and puppies, and I just think to myself, Am I ready for all this?

Like I stressed before, I’m in deep here and know that this situation is not healthy for any of us. I’m making my best friend a third wheel, my girlfriend is being lied to, and I’m at my wits end, making myself literally sick with grief. What pains me the most is that no one wins in a situation like this, I can lose my best friend, or I can lose what I thought was the love of my life.

Please help make this decision a bit easier. Thank You.

Torn

Dear Torn,

You say yourself that you’re “in deep here, and this situation is not healthy for any of us.” At least you realize that, an important step. It allows you to begin considering a new way to deal with the situation. You are right that you can literally make yourself sick by continuing on as you have been. So I think it might be time for a change.

My opinion is that it is time for truth telling. I know how scary that sounds, and I will address your fears in a moment. But you are torturing yourself with all the withheld emotions, not to mention the lies and the secrets. Here is why I think that the truth must be told:

First, for you. You need to be true to your essence, your soul, your deepest self. Right now you are living a life of deception. It takes so much of your energy that could be positive in your life. Once you tell the truth, you will have done yourself a big favor, and a great weight will be lifted from your heart.

Second, for your girlfriend. She may get mad at you. Especially for the fact that you were lying and keeping secrets. But you can’t lie and keep secrets forever, can you? She needs to know who you really are and how you really feel. If she doesn’t, then what kind of relationship do you have?

Third, for your best friend. She also needs to know who you really are and how you really feel. If you can’t tell your best friend, who can you tell? And one of the ways we can show true love for a friend is to trust her with the truth. (Even this ultra-scary kind.)

OK, having said that, I want to acknowledge your fears.

You fear that if you break up with your girlfriend, she will have a new happy life, and you will be jealous of her happiness. I can see that. If you wind up alone, and she winds up in a new relationship, it will hurt a lot. This could happen. If it did, would you truly be more miserable then than now? But you could be the one with the new happy life. It’s possible!

You fear being alone. That’s a really common fear, especially if you have self-esteem issues. It can be one of the scariest things we face. It can also be one of the BEST learning experiences you can have. When you learn to live alone, to be happy with yourself, and to love yourself, you learn a tremendously valuable life skill. You could also use that opportunity to get more in touch with yourself, and prepare yourself for genuine love to enter your life. But you may not have to be alone!

You fear that your girlfriend might hate you. I understand that feeling. But think about the fact that if your girlfriend winds up hating you because you were honest and open with her, then what kind of a friend was she? She might be disappointed that you didn’t come clean sooner, (which is to be expected), but that’s not hate. The hate, if there were any, would come from not being able to appreciate, acknowledge, and accept who you truly are. These three A’s, appreciation acknowledgement, and acceptance are cornerstones of relationship, not just romantic, but platonic as well.

And you fear that you will lose your best friend if you tell these truths. It is possible that you will. I can’t tell. But it is equally possible that telling the truths will bring you closer together. Most likely, it will create some uncomfortable moments for both of you. But if you can tell your truth and deal with hers using compassion and gentleness, you can possibly become much better friends. It’s OK to start out by telling her honestly of your fears. It might make it easier.

Have you ever considered that she has been secretly wanting you all this time? That’s possible, too.

Do you really need a girlfriend who is jealous, and who won’t let you hang or talk with your best friend? Do you really need a girlfriend who has no job or ambition? Do you really need a girlfriend who makes you feel inadequate, who is hurtful and overlooks your emotions? You don’t want children and puppies with this person, really, do you?

Before you act on any of this, try sitting down with a pen and a piece of paper, and writing out the ideal situation. What would you most like to happen? Who do you most want to have a romantic relationship with? Describe the qualities you most want (and those you don’t want) in your romantic partner. Add to and revise this regularly. Read it daily. It will help you to know what you want in life, both now and in the future.

Please write back and tell me how you are doing. I feel your pain, and my heart goes out to you.

Sincerely,

William

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